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17 May It wasn't just the social pressure that drove me to buy into the commitment-free hookup lifestyle, but my own identity as a feminist. The idea that sexual liberation is fundamental to female agency dominates progressive media. True feminists, I believed, not only wanted but also thrived on emotionless. 4 Mar One of the most common romantic fantasies that men and women in this country tend to have is to date an actor. The men all want an Angelina Jolie, and all the women want a Brad Pitt. And why not (besides the mildly inconvenient fact of those two being married to each other)? Actors are famous. With no emotion in his voice, he says “Let's go.” “Where to?” I reply quickly in a pit of desperation. “Home.” I don't argue this time. Chicago was a bad idea, but then again, so was acting on the weird romantic tension. Jack had come on this trip with the idea that we would hook up and get it out of his system, but now I've just .

On the surface, I was successful. I was surrounded by diverse, intellectual friends. I led a popular student website and was active in the arts and athletics. I loved learning and made Phi Beta Kappa my junior year. But my internal life was characterized by paralyzing anxiety and depression.

I judged myself harshly, to the point of disgust. I drove myself to excessive exercising and near-anorexia. I felt this way because of men—or so I thought. While there was a major gulf between my public self and my private one, the one thing that remained consistent were my politics.

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I told myself that I was a feminist, despite subjecting myself to unfulfilling, emotionally damaging sexual experiences. And I believed it, too.

I had a puppy-love relationship with my high school boyfriend, the kind you see in movies. Losing my virginity was a respectful and patient experience. Almost immediately, I buried this dream deep within my new plastic dorm drawers.

15 Guys Share The Quality That Made Them Want More From A Casual Hook-up | Thought Catalog

From dance floors to bedrooms, everyone was hooking up—myself included. The popular media most frequently characterizes hookup culture as a series of emotionless one-night stands.

At Middlebury, such casual hookups definitely occur. Far more frequent, however, were pseudo-relationships, the mutant children of meaningless sex and loving partnerships.

Two students consistently hook up with one another—and typically, only each other—for weeks, months, even years. Yet per unspoken social code, neither party is permitted emotional involvement, commitment, or vulnerability. I soon came to believe that real relationships were impossible at Midd. The idea that sexual liberation is fundamental to female agency dominates progressive media.

True feminists, I believed, not only wanted but also thrived on emotionless, non-committal sexual engagements. And to a surprising degree, it is women—not men—who are perpetuating the culture, especially in school, cannily manipulating it to make space for their success, always keeping their own ends in mind. For college girls these days, an overly serious suitor fills the same role as an accidental pregnancy did in the 19th century: While various academic studies tout the damaging effects of hookup culture, I came across them much more infrequently.

Besides, the alternative seemed to me to be Why Hookup An Actor Is A Bad Idea equally unfulfilling option. I decided it was time to ditch my antiquated desire for monogamy. And when guys click at this page my interest, my insecurities were at least temporarily dissolved.

The winter of my junior year, I asked Ben, a quiet, smart philosophy major with bright blue eyes, to a wine and cheese party.

Why Hookup An Actor Is A Bad Idea

We saw each other for a few months. Give or take some weeknight Netflix-watching or walks in town, I cycled through this routine with at least five guys by senior year. After I began having sex with these guys, the power balance always tipped. My friends and I would analyze incessantly: Does he like me? Do you like him? A reason to come back. With time, inevitably, came attachment. And please click for source attachment came shame, anxiety, and emptiness.

My girlfriends and I were top students, scientists, artists, and leaders. We could advocate for anything—except for our own bodies. We were desperate to know what it felt like to be wanted; desperate for a chance at intimacy. Desperate for a hand held in daylight, for public affirmation of desire typically expressed only after too many drinks.

I wished that I could be like the guys, who seemed not to care at all. If this was sexual liberation, it was hard to understand how it was helping women. I decided Why Hookup An Actor Is A Bad Idea devote my senior thesis to answering the question of whether Middlebury women really were playing the game—and if anyone was actually enjoying it.

After interviewing 75 male and female students and analyzing over online surveys, the solidarity was undeniable: My research focus was on the experiences of heterosexual women, although of course many non-heterosexual relationships happen at Midd as well. Instead, almost all of them found themselves going along with hookups that induced overwhelming self-doubt, emotional instability and loneliness.

Three years later, the experience still stung. My research gave me a sense of solace.

Why Hookup An Actor Is A Bad Idea

I went on to publish my thesis online, and stories from students around the country came pouring in. It was clear we were far from alone. The young women I spoke with were taking part in hookup culture because they thought that was what guys wanted, or because they hoped a casual encounter would be a stepping stone to commitment.

But engaging in hookup culture while wholeheartedly craving love and stability was perhaps the least feminist action I, and hundreds of my peers, could take. But they felt strong social pressure to have casual sex.

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Needless to say, the detrimental effects of this performance pressure are countless and severe. Engaging in hookup culture while craving love and stability was perhaps the least feminist action we could take.

No real headway into alternative energy because oil infrastructure is still dominant. I really should start charging soon. Ultimately, a roll in the hay blows up in your face if you are not mindful of your actions.

As writers like Peggy Orenstein have noted, while college students are having a lot of sex, I believe most of us—men and women—know basically nothing about it. I lost my virginity at But I never had an orgasm until senior year of collegewhen my boyfriend and I became exclusive.

Unfortunately for many women today, their boyfriends look at both. Some of the best Thought Catalog Articles! For a while, it was nice to have someone to kiss and cuddle so nearby. You tend to define it as a problem for women, and one that they can solve.

To attempt to separate emotions from sex is illogical, given that emotion intensely augments pleasure. To attempt to separate emotions from sex is not only illogical, given that emotion intensely augments pleasure, but also impossible for almost all women.

If we taught pleasure-centric sex ed, beginning in middle school and high school and all the way through college, I can only imagine the possibilities. As the academic year ends, summer offers students invaluable space for reflection.

The names of students in this story have been changed to protect their privacy. We welcome your comments at ideas qz. Does sex without read more really do anything for women?

Written by Leah Fessler. At Middlebury College, I lived a double life.